Posts Tagged ‘weight’

numbers, denial, being public

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

Being overweight has been an issue most of my life. Early on when I imagined I was fat and later when I truly was. My theory now is that early puberty (2-3 years before my then friends) made me “different” from my peers, and that difference of curves and maturity was labeled fat until everyone else was doing it too. And by then, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I was overweight. But not much.

Family legacy created some clear trouble of poor diet and no concept of exercise. I did martial arts late in high school and for the first time enjoyed working out to the point of sweating and really pushing my limits. But that bug was pretty dormant until about 15 years ago, and it has been growing exponentially since then.

Except – except for the nearly 10 years I was anemic and ill and had some pretty serious health problems.

And that caused a lot of denial, as the fibroid tumors grew huge, and I managed to ignore the dangers and the realities. An amazing thing, denial. Truly impressive in this case.

Which is why I don’t ever want to go there again. And there is a sort of opposite denial going on now. That I’ve lost a lot of weight. A lot of weight. And much more in the last few months. Broken heart and change in metabolism? Great combo if it works.

Since the break up in November, I’ve lost over 15 pounds. And the year before that – being with an active athletic guy, I had lost another 15. So in a little over a year I shed 30 pounds of weight. And in the 3 or so leading up to that, I had already lost a bit over 30 pounds.

Now wait a minute. Here is where I get the urge to go foggy. I don’t want to admit I had that much to lose. I don’t want to admit I was there. I am finding it really hard to grasp the idea that about 5 years ago I was 65 pounds heavier than I am now.

And was it 5 years? or 7? Or …. yeah….. that’s the point here. I have no idea. Around five years. Since the surgery. I had gotten back up to my heaviest weight ever. I think. I know I was looking at the number, but my usually obedient brain that can put together dates and times and events with really good accuracy kind of goes away and changes the subject and can’t really pin it down to within a year or two or three.

The last time I was this weight? Again, I have no idea. I did get under 200 pounds – just – after my surgery for fibroids in 2001. Now that I’m well under that weight, I can’t recall. I have clothes I found that fit, but I recall them always being much tighter. And I can trace them to 18 years ago. I’m thinking late twenties or thirties. It has been at least 20—25 years.

Deep breath.

So let’s see, is that a sign of a problem — that the facts and figures get a lot fuzzy and never mind we can talk about some other part of this that is more comfortable? Yeah.

So this is part of my coming out, dealing with reality, and kind of sort of in a small don’t notice it way saying WTF I’ve lost 65 whole pounds – and nearly half of that within the last 14 months!

That is a HUGE amount of weight, a huge step towards being much happier and healthier and so very much kinder to myself. I don’t want to HIDE it anymore I want to celebrate it. Because I am very happy and I don’t want this crazy stuff and self image issues to get in the way of enjoying a really big accomplishment.

I don’t know why 65 has more psychological pull than 50, I don’t know why it seems like a number I would have never been able to attain (but I did!!) but hey, here I am and I wanted to put it in writing, in public, I have accomplished something really important and — I was going to say big. But it is not bigger it is smaller. I’m shrinking.

I have this number in mind where “health” is – and I’m less than 5 pounds away. At that point I’d like to do some serious checking in with my body and not go by the BMI, or insurance tables, or which jeans fit, but really get a sense – what size fits me? At what point do I feel I’m no longer hiding, what weight goes well with who I am? I don’t think I have to decide, I just have to fully emerge.

So having said that, people ask what did you do?

Two things. I stopped acting from fear. And I figured out some core stuff about being sexually assaulted when I was way too young (age 15), what I fear about men and what I want from men.

And then I let myself enjoy being active, and realized I’m not that hungry. I am still enjoying chocolate and I don’t feel deprived in any sense.

Kind of simple, but it had to all come together. And then look what happened. I have my proof. 65 pounds. When I pick up a 50 pound bag of wheat berries, I am just astonished. That was just so much to carry around.

Writing this is intense. And therapy. I wanted to say it in public. I’m 65 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest and healthier now than I was 20 or 25 years ago. I want to be in that daze of Wow! that is a huge accomplishment, rather than Huh? My body? Was I paying attention?

And you know, I’m excited. Because if I can lose 15 pounds Thanksgiving to the end of February, this is going t be an amazing spring and summer. Just watch me.