In a walk downtown yesterday I was comparing the moment to how life is about to change. I won’t be walking to the bank to deposit checks, enjoying the people at Downtown Home and Garden and watching Nala try and wrangle bread from the guy at the counter. (It is one of her more excited passionate sits). I probably won’t be back to Downtown home and Garden until next year. Same with Crazy Wisdom. I may shop at the Co-op once or twice again, and because of weight restrictions post surgery, not again then until next year.
I felt like I was stocking up for a siege today. First time buying a night gown (only similar purchase in that category was a negligee almost 20 years ago…) I had a couple as a kid, gifts or supplied by my mother. I got 96 roles of recycled toilet paper from the BGreen store. Made from Sugar Cane. New sheets and underwear.
I still need to stock up on dog food, ketchup, agave sweetener, just a peculiar list of what I don’t want to have to buy again for two or three months. I was just really sad the other night at the Co-op thinking I would only shop there once or twice more this year. Of course the MOD said I could come in and a staff person would shop for me, carry everything, even out to my car. See that is why I love Ann Arbor and also why I keep bursting into tears these days.
I have also touched into a frenzy of hollowing out my house just as I am about to hollow out my belly. I feel compelled to inventory and remove vast quantities of “stuff”. and once it has been chosen I want it out and gone immediately. Today I had to get rid of old sheets for my bodywork table. And indeed they have been e-cycled. Nala ripped up a basket I had removed from the top of the china cabinet (also now gone) and I thought great, one less thing to keep around.
Anyone who knows me (and my stuff) would endorse this impulse and activity. I am constrained by not being able to lift and carry much or it triggers pretty bad low back pain. A theory I have tested a bit too much, and finally get. So now I need help moving a file cabinet down two flights and my TV onto my desk – the TV I wouldn’t take on myself anyway. This large screen behemoth is astonishingly heavy. it has begun to squash the filing cabinets it is on,one of the reasons to move it, but also to get rid of the damaged filing cabinet which I no longer really need. Remove excess. It must be done.
I am also still sitting with the MRI info which is mostly good, everything looks as expected. The fibroids are the same ones that have plagued me for over a decade, the same ones successfully embolized, until they weren’t. And they are larger than before, just doesn’t feel that way since I weight 60 pounds less. But I was rather shocked and confused to discover there are now 10-15 MORE fibroids tucked away.
Do I need to know why? The body mind spirit connection? It is something to ponder, this uterus gone wrong, but I also don’t need to know all the connections to know that healing is through surgical removal (and accompanied healing work in many realms) and since there are no other options I can embrace that and keep moving forward.
A few people seem to expect me to pull off some miracle “down there” and seem disappointed that I have “given up”. You know, I have had these fibroids since at least 1985 or ’86. That is more than 20 years. They brought me to near death once even. Such heavy bleeding that my hemoglobin hit a low of 3.6 No typo, it was 3.6 See, I’ve done anemia.
It was a good go, battling mostly on my own, and now I have had to ask for very large and significant help. And that, I believe, is the largest part of what is being healed even as I write this. Asking for and receiving help. And now I start to cry again.
And mostly I have tears because I really like my life and my work and my habits and the daily interactions with people and groups and walking my dog and lifting and carrying and creating space and walking for an hour or two or hopping on my bike to go even further and so so much more. And I am going to miss that a lot while I recover. A whole lot.
It is only a couple of months, but it is the rest of 2009 and I didn’t imagine that this is how I would end the year. A bit prematurely at least as far as activity levels and routines and engaging with people. I’m used to meeting a couple dozen strangers a month, or more. And I really enjoy that as well. Pulling inward, no dating, no teaching, no meeting new people for a while.
I like my life. And because I value the quality as well, I will do this surgery, and expect to feel better stronger and more able than I have in a very long time. But different from a vacation, I will not be removed from the ordinary doing something extraordinary somewhere else. I’ll be here, interacting in a pretty profoundly different way, looking to extract meaning and healing and learning as best I can from a much more limited capacity. It has begun, and the next few months will be different.
I hope in the end I really appreciate them as well.