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Dating update – it’s a work in progress

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

It has been a while since I’ve written about my experiences with on line dating. There are many things I’ve been reflecting on.

I’ve had a string of bad dates, with a few more positive experiences lately. What makes a bad date? He lied about who he is and what he is after, there is obnoxious pressure to be physical way before it has anything to do with building a relationship (but he pretends it is…). Political distance – he is way too conservative – and the no shows.

Within the last week there have been a couple of those. One at the last minute called to say he had cold feet, jumping into dating is too much at this point. OK, glad for the honesty, the timing sucks since I had just walked in a pouring rain downtown to meet him and was standing in that rain when the phone rang. Another total no show, he set up the date a month ago, confirmed at noon day of, where to meet would be set later, and never heard from him again.

A basically unknown person stands me up, breaks a date, and I’m depressed and feeling rejected. It isn’t logical, it clearly isn’t about me, but my mood is depressed for a day or two afterwords. There are so many illogical things about this dating stuff.

Like attraction. I met a guy and looked at his hands, and it was a total turn off. I knew we had no future. That seems really shallow to me, not at all how I imagine I am or want to be. But there it is – something inside just switched him into the “friends only” group. No going back. That just seems really weird to me, but how can I deny it? Later, I can figure out the energetic issues and see some small reasoning but at the time I was just thinking this is a really strong reaction, and how shallow a person am I?

And then I wonder about how I come across and think these guys trained to respond to thin women and models and porn stars — I have no chance of ever being attractive to anyone ever. Because if I’m this shallow, the men I meet may be worse.

I’m also surprised to be encountering a whole pocket of men into polyamory, bisexuality, and more. I’m just not going to go there. I’ve said many times, I’m hopelessly heterosexual. Politically and practically I would like to expand that, but it isn’t going to happen. I’m just not wired that way. My romantic connection is to men, and only men, and that’s just the way it is.

Same with monogamy. I am only comfortable with romantic involvement with one guy. It is all I can focus on. Expanding beyond the one is just not comfortable, not pleasant, not in my chemistry. I don’t like it and never have. I’m really clear, one guy at a time, one focus, one clear energy channel that gets deeper and stronger. So I’ve affirmed that I’m a traditionalist in that sense. And said no to a number of men who have profiles that say they are looking for multiple at a time relationships.

And men who are bi. I had my heart broken and dreams crushed 20 years ago, I was in love with a man who was bi. And he was in love with me. We were goofy sickeningly wonderfully happy with each other and it was wonderful. And then he had to realize he was gay, not bi, and of course that was the end. I don’t want to ever go through that again. It would take a lot of work to trust a guy who thought he was bi. It is just too much to risk. Because in the end, I could never be enough for him, I’m not OK with him “stepping out” and I just don’t see how it could work.

The next part is the politics and interests. Oh, I have such a list. And I am still sorting out what really matters, from what I think matters. Can’t be a republican. That is clear. Can’t be working against the things I work for. Abortion rights, gay rights, access to birth control information and products, justice, equality, feminism, separation of church and state, free press, alternative education, health care reform, the list is longer. Those things really matter, and my most intimate friends predominantly are all on the same page.

The vegetarian and broader food thing is interesting. I’ve been dating non vegetarians and I’m Ok. What seems to matter more is food awareness. Where does it come from, how can we not be cruel to animals, the body/mind awareness and connection. A palate that has developed beyond white bread, white sugar, and slabs of read meat. The further developed the better. The greater the awareness the greater the attraction. Awareness of local food issues, why we support local farmers, there is a thoughtfulness I put ahead of exactly what is eaten. And I guess I believe people who are eating a lot of red meat don’t get it. Within this framework, I’m more comfortable with hunters than those who pick up steaks and burgers at the supermarket. Which can seem like a really weird thing for a vegetarian to say. Makes sense to me.

Yet, vegetarians taste better. It’s a continuum. Energetically speaking, a poor diet weighs heavily energetically. Hard to be close to.

I think the interest in life long learning is more important than the what that is being learned. There is a certain openness and excitement about exploring and adventures and jumping into challenges that is essential. At this age, many men are beginning the “shutting down” part of their lives. When I encounter them, I run away.

Why list these things and go on and on? Well, I do get a fair amount of interest still. More men than I can take the time to date and explore. Because even 1-2 dates a week is time consuming. I do try and weed people out before much time is invested. And I’m constantly questioning the basis for that weeding. And learning more about myself in the process. I’m a writer, I learn a lot about myself by writing. And there are a few people who enjoy reading it, and a few who find helpful for what they’re going through.

I remain an optimist. One in a million is possible. I also am tired. I’d like to get on to the work of building a relationship, and learning within that context. If it were to happen today, I’d be happy to give up dating forever. At some point, I will write my last dating update and then the real work and wonder begins.

Posted in behavior, community, personal | 2 Comments »

My small triathlon

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

I have something to prove to myself. It is about being 50, it is about my mom being so weak and sick when she was 50, it is about my brother being seriously ill, it is about my health problems with severe anemia for so many years, ending in 2001.

I have found that I have to exercise. If I don’t my blood sugar is wacky, I don’t sleep as well, and I just don’t feel good. Being active feels great. And the threshold of “good” to “great” comes at about an hour a day, 5-7 days a week. So I do it. Because I have to, because I want to, because I like it.

Last week was a bit more extreme. I figure I went from the approx. 6-7 hours a week of good exercise to about 30, In three “events”. First was the Baseline Lake Swim. A mile long, it took just over an hour. That felt great. I swam a couple times the day before, but this was the first long swim of the year. The next day was the bike ride from Chelsea to Ann Arbor. There was the trip to the start point, about 4 miles, the back and forth to downtown Chelsea, and the actual ride from Chelsea to the Townie Party. So something over 20 miles, about 2 1/2 hours.

Walking and biking and other activity the next few days, then Friday and Saturday about 10 hours of paddling each day. And not just la-dee-dah float down the river, but hard maneuvering steering pushing and pulling the water to put the canoe in the right place. Hard work.

The plan was to finish the canoe trip with a bike ride, (about 27 miles) and I had to give that up so that someone would be alert enough to drive. I remain disappointed in that, but it was the logical best choice.

So three different sports, all a little on the side of extreme, or at least slightly pushing it for the normal sort of active person. I like it. I wish I had 30 hours every week to have that much fun, to be that active, to prove something to myself.

I did it.

And it felt good, and it felt like I could do more.

I feel a little awkward talking about it. I don’t really mean to brag, but I also am feeling pretty proud. I’ve always had the sense of failure in my athletic and physical abilities. That’s what I grew up with. I pretty much like this feeling of not failing, of actually being strong and able. It makes me look at and think about my body in different ways. Good ways. Happy ways.

What made the mini-triathlon possible was the participatory nature. I wasn’t alone for any of it. Doing the swim, the bike ride and then the canoe trip with great company and support made the difference. So I’m looking forward to more community based athletic challenges, that fit within my range of what I can do. And I’ve also found that just hanging out with people who find this to be NORMAL is a huge obstacle overcome as well.

Thanks to everyone who was part of my active week!

Posted in behavior, bicycles, community, holistic health, nature, personal, rivers, lakes and water | No Comments »

on being safe

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

One of the obvious cautions in internet dating is being safe. Truthfully, wondering about the potential lunatic, the person who might hurt you or your stuff, who might be a nut requiring a restraining order further down the line. Yes, they are out there, no question about it. And there are basic precautions to take.

Google is a friend to on line daters, being bold enough to ask for full names, addresses, phone and more before a first date. Any guy dating a woman who is offended by that isn’t putting himself in her position. Sure there are women who will go nuts on you, but the greater risk in this culture is still male on female violence or problems.

I consider myself, at 50, still pretty new to dating. I’ve never done this dating someone new nearly every weekend thing before. Previous relationships were pretty much see a guy who I was interested in or who was interested in me, go out a few times, and we were in relationship for the next few months or years.

Worked for me, sort of.

So I’ve been doing all the safety things and had my antennae up for lunatics and crazy guys and guys who I didn’t think I’d match, and a huge range of concerns and checklists. And yes, I have found many. Only a few actually slipped through the cracks, and nothing serious or dangerous. Just a bit bewildering and disappointing.

But truthfully, I am now encountering that whole area of guys who are actually attracted to me. I guess I was carrying a lot of weight, and attitude, and was able to avoid that for, oh, a couple of decades. Now, I get a lot of compliments, a lot of suggestive e-mail, and a lot of invitations.

Some of it it — if you give him even a little encouragement it gets creepy and gross really fast. So it has been hard to know what to do. For about 40 years I’ve been dealing with that crap. A construction worker nods to you, you nod back in a friendly way, next thing you know he is rating your tits. Loudly. With gestures and suggestions. I’ve encountered that sh– since I was a ten year old girl. Yeah, 10. That’s what happens when you develop early, and fully.

It is a similar world on line. What are some men thinking? Is that really working for you, really?

So I have been entirely focused on am I safe. Is this guy stable and sane. Am I going to a safe place, am I taking the right precautions. It is a given, it has to be done. I do google checks, I leave info with friends or family about who I’m going out with, when and other details. I often have my dog with me, who I know would defend me to the death — and short of that she gives really perceptive cues about what is going on and any danger she perceives. And her record so far? Perfection. I have never felt more safe than I have since having large, intelligent, protective dogs around.

But here is what I figured out this last week. I have been missing a whole other part. Being safe and feeling safe are two different things. And feeling safe with a man is a really important part of what I have to look for in a relationship. And I haven’t been.

And by ignoring that basic need, I’ve gotten into some confusing and awkward situations that I shouldn’t have. I was safe, no one was going to be killed or hurt, there was no danger. But exposing too much of myself emotionally and physically and having too much intimacy before I feel safe is not OK. It isn’t honoring me. And it is stirring up some very old and very important feelings.

And those feelings go back to my first real relationship, my first boyfriend. I had dated him for many months, and one night he lost it and sexually assaulted me. And the ramifications of that linger on. Even when I don’t want them to, even when I say I’m over it, even with 35 years gone since that night in May of 1974. In an apartment building on Packard, next to the old Co-op. Where I had trouble shopping the whole time it was there.

Yeah – many tangles, many lingering threads and reactions.

I am a survivor of sexual assault, like so many women. Mine was easier than most. He even came back and apologized 4 years later, and took full responsibility for what happened, although at the time he told me it was all my fault and I believed him.

So that simple yet permanent trauma shows up again in a new form now. Feeling safe.

And it is a puzzling thing. With some men it is immediate. Yes. My inner sense and my outer logic agree and are at peace. And I’m a more animated, happy, friendly, less needy and less talkative person. (Less talkative is good, just ask anyone….) I can enjoy the other person, be myself, tease, laugh, it is very sweet for me.

And others there is that immediate no, or not knowing. And I was trying to get to know this one guy by phone, but his voice sounds very much like that first boyfriend. And I feel less safe. I once went on a blind date with a guy who smelled like him. It has only happened once, out of all the people I hug and am near. his sense of humor was a little similar as well. I couldn’t stand to be around him. He really didn’t understand or appreciate my reasons for saying no to another date. I can’t say blame him – “you smell like someone who assaulted me”. Not what a guy can easily hear and understand.

It is at heart a very deep intuitive thing. A whole other story that goes on next to the other one – am I safe – is the story of do I feel safe. And until I do you can’t take me into your arms, kiss me deeply, or even hold hands without some bit of tension and concern.

I really want to feel safe. And when I do, it is a wonderful feeling. With a friend, certainly, and with a lover even more so. And nothing less that that full feeling is acceptable in an intimate relationship.

It may take time, it may take adventures, it may take something totally unexpected. Yeah, over 1,000 words later and I’m explaining something that couldn’t be simpler. But that is sort of the whole point in writing this. It is simple, when that sense of safety hasn’t been so devastatingly destroyed by someone you loved and trusted.

And when it comes in the form of sexual assault, which is harder to talk about, harder to work out, harder to be frank about, when the details are too embarrassing to easily share, it has that deeper longer impact. Sexual assault is a different sort of violation that has tentacles reaching into some unexpected places. How can soldiers come back from war and explain to civilians what it is like, when it so far away and incomprehensible to someone who has never experienced anything close it it? How can a survivor of sexual assault easily overcome someone forcing themselves into your body, showing violence in the most intimate of acts and places in your being? If you havne’t been there, it may seem like not such a big deal. Trust me, it is.

We all have stories that are hard to tell.

But I am a story teller. And telling mine helps the healing, helps me to feel normal. It helps the healing that I welcome. And, I’ve told a lot of stories that have helped other people learn more about themselves as well. Maybe this will be one.

____________
Since I’ve renewed contact with a number of people who knew me then, who are now reading my blog, this may be a new bit of info for them. And you are wondering was it…?
I’m not naming names in a public place, but rest assured his initials were NOT P.L. And if you want more detailed info, contact me privately, and I don’t think you will be at all surprised by the rest of the story. If you were paying attention, you probably have already put it together. And that’s Ok.

Posted in behavior, peace, personal | No Comments »

defining menopause

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

The clinical definition of menopause if absence of a period for a year or more. But what is my definition? I’ve certainly transitioned into something else. The really strange and (new to me) mood swings I’ve had for the last few years associated with a coming period are gone. My memory seems to be improving, with the more stable mood. I’m one of those regular regular women – for over 40 years, never skipping (just twice actually) just a bit of variance in length of the cycle. The last two years I’ve had 2 exceptions to that pattern with wild and really low moods at the same time.
Ah Motherwort tincture, it got me through that time intact.

And now – it is quite the pause. Pulling back from 40 years of near perfect rhythm, I’m in a sweet gentle quiet — pause. Just beginning the fourth month of quiet.

While it feels really strange to be out of that synchronization, it also feels just right. I have to settle in to it. I’ve always been strongly affected by hormones (let me tell you my blood transfusion story sometime, or when I was briefly pregnant, or how miscarriage made me crazy for months). I feel deeply affected by this.

This is my meno pause. Amazing. It makes all the difference, really, and it feels really surprisingly good. I suppose that pause may have a few interruptions, but it feels very smooth and natural. Just gliding in to this new beginning. Truthfully, I really like how this feels. Very very much. How is that for a different message from the marketing media BS? That’s why I’m sharing it.

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Ken King

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Rather than repeat myself here, it would be easiest just toread the tribute I wrote for him at The Ann Arbor Chronicle. I was hoping the Chronicle would write about his death, and Mary said they were swamped with other projects. Would I? A wonderful synchronicity of people places and timing then unfolded, and the article nearly wrote itself. Of course.

I hope this is just one of many tributes for this remarkable man who has really touched so many and made a wonderful difference in the world.

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Posted in Co-ops, behavior, community, deaths, environment, food, gardening, music, nature, peace, personal, spirituality, writing | No Comments »

balance

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

I had a great bodywork session Friday morning (received, not given) followed by picking up the raw milk, eggs, and cream for the week for my friends and I. After getting a few things done I was off to the lake for two days.

Spending an hour just cleaning up a winter’s worth of mouse poop is very focusing and worthwhile work. And that I did. It was only after that chore that I felt comfortable cooking dinner. Simple tofu, onions, broccoli with rice. But I haven’t been cooking much the last three weeks so it was very nice ot have a simple meal.

I found chives and garlic grass in the garden, so added them to my meal as well. Great to be able to pick something to eat – even if it is a small contribution. I’m just finishing up the dried chives from last year, a first that was so wonderful all winter long!

Nala let me sleep in, so a slow start to Saturday, visited with some friends, Nala go to run full tilt with her new buddy Waldo who is a standard poodle. I love watching her play – she is intense and comes back breathing hard and grinning.

I almost didn’t take the kayak out, but so glad I did. The lake was pretty calm, and the water is still high. Some wind, but that just makes it fun. It is always great to explore the paths in the reeds at the end of the lake, there were two nesting geese. So I steered clear of their areas. The lake is constantly changing, in both obvious as well as subtle ways. I just make note of it, the new branches fallen, the heaved docks, the status of the weeds and the erosion of the banks. Looking for birds and turtles and fish and water clarity. It is always different. Even the light at different times of the day, because I’m watching, because I’m calmer on the water, I enjoy the sky and clouds and how the sun is shining more out there.

I did enough carrying and moving of firewood that my muscles feel it. Starting the clearing and organizing process that has to happen each year. Especially when we’ve had two massive trees taken down and all the debris to deal with! And the shed deteriorates further, the willow leaves an amazing mess of branches and vines.

It is an overwhelming amount of work, but with help and slow and steady focus, it gets done.

I do feel more integrated, more whole, less bitchy, more hopeful. Pretty simple. Pretty quick. If I’m out of sorts and out of balance, the water always helps. In a few weeks it should be warm enough to swim. The peace of the summer. It is almost here.

Posted in behavior, dogs, environment, nature, personal, rivers, lakes and water | No Comments »

Dating Discoveries

Friday, April 10th, 2009

The process of dating on line is a weird combination of looking for the best in someone while also trying to weed out people who don’t meet a set of “deal breakers”. When I was renting out rooms in my house, i found it helpful to right down a list of things that I just didn’t want to live with. Things about recycling, vegetarianism, communication. I quickly figured out from living with people what I was just intolerant of. It generated an interesting list, but it was handy. If someone wanted to talk about moving in I would read them the list (this was pre-e-mail) and we’ could decide if a further conversation was warranted. And if the LIKED the list – well that was always a good sign. Not a guarantee, but a good sign.

I have a list on my profile. It includes environmental concerns, interest in health, progressive politics, have to love dogs, and (if you know me this would be obvious) much more. I do risk turning away some great guys, but you know, I’m 50 years old and I have figured out what is important to me. And I’ve heard from a lot of guys who are excited about the list. And whose lives are just not in a place for a relationship.

I sent of a long e-mail to one guy today, though, we had only gotten to the first phone call. And then… well I’m putting the e-mail I sent to him here. I had gotten that intuitive “no” already (but I don’t trust my intuition about men too much – I am frequently dead wrong). But this small investigation did set me off. And I explain why in the e-mail.

Am I taking this dating thing way too seriously? Yep. Is my passion and intensity posibly getting in the way and coming off as a bit scary? Likely. Is it just really who I am though? Another yes. So will I change? Umm… you tell me how likely that is to work.

… I got to your myspace page. I enjoyed the photos, but– large but coming. You said you voted for Reagan, and then joked about working for the feds at the time. But move to the current day, and Ronald Reagan is your choice as a hero?

Seriously? Ronald Reagan wasn’t just someone you voted for, but is a hero to you at this present moment?

Even with the Iran Contra affair, spending on Star Wars defense, his support of Al Haig and botched Israeli policy, his misjudgement of Saddam Hussein and Iran, Reaganomics combined with increased defense spending and massive deficits and tax cuts for the rich? The bombing of Libya, financing the war in el Salvador and supporting the genocide in Guatemala? The war on drugs and federal minimal prison sentences that have failed miserably? Military intervention in Grenada, opposing unions, opposing civil rights legislation and speaking favorably about apartheid South Africa? He was against a woman’s right to choose and reproductive freedom, supported the death penalty, wanted prayer in the public schools, closed mental hospitals without any safety net, decreased the effectiveness of the EPA, bungled the savings and loan crisis. He cut support for federal social programs, causing harm we still feel. Then there is the nuclear arms race that he fostered. His strange relationship with Marcos and the Philippines. and I could go on…

If this man is your hero, and these are actions you support, we are way far apart in our view of the world. I have spent a good chunk of my life trying to undo much of the damage he brought. Especially in reproductive health care and a woman’s right to reproductive choice, a sane drug policy (just say no? A total failure), catching up with good environmental policies before it is too late, and working against the death penalty. I have good friends working to support unions, friends who have traveled to Central America to try and undo some of the damage Reagan did and that is still lingering. So I am not just passively complaining about his legacy, I have been actively at work for decades dealing with the damage he happily created.

Differences of opinion make the world a better place, and it is good to have heroes. I’m glad you have yours. But those choices are a reflection of deeply held beliefs and ideals, and Ronald Reagan is my anti-hero in countless ways that are very real and personal and active today.

Your implied support of the above list of policies and actions is a wide gap in perspective and beliefs and I suspect experience. While I have some few friends who share some of those ideas and ideals as well, that is too great a schism for a more closely held friend or partner. You would be actively opposed to my everyday and ongoing work. That just doesn’t make sense. I am looking for an intimate partner to support me in my life.

And as you can tell, I have no small amount of passion for these issues.

Thanks for reading this far. I don’t need to argue about what is right and wrong, and I’m not interested in convincing you of anything. Just noticing a significantly large area of incompatibility. In areas too important to me to be set aside.
I wish you well,

Linda Diane

I at least think that people deserve complete and honest responses. Which apparently is not a widely held opinion, based on other on-line experience. And so the process continues…R

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On Line Dating

Monday, April 6th, 2009

This week the on-line scene seems a bit depressing. That’s linked to the fact that on match.com I’ve now rejected (blocked from future searches) more than 3,050 men. That’s a lot of saying “no”. I’m still working my way through a list of “hmm… maybes” so all is not lost. It takes a lot of time to imagine all the possible outcomes.

I remain totally perplexed with men who just disappear with no final e-mail or call. Why? I guess I like closure, and don’t at all mind someone saying they don’t want further contact. It is just really surprising the numbers who can’t just put that in writing!

Hey, it’s good practice for later in relationships where it is essential!

The other puzzlement I’ve mentioned before is guys who are listed on the site, but apparently can’t cough up a few dollars to be members. So e-mails to them go unanswered. Good, it is self selecting, if they are really that cheap then I may not want to date them. But then it happens on the free sites as well? I still don’t get it. But I’m imagining that there is a growing number of guys who are aging and getting off on looking, but afraid to initiate, afraid of rejection, afraid of women who approach them. They just like the fantasy and the virtual thrill.

To be fair, there must be an equal female counterpart. But it certainly makes for some strange psychological games and stuckness. Wish I could participate in the dating part and avoid these people altogether. Not possible. I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy with them. Seems like a few of us who are trying to screen for that ask the question “are you real” which is kind of depressing to have to bring up. But that is reality.

It’s spring. Time to get off line for good. Wish me luck, or whatever it is going to take.

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My Mom

Sunday, April 5th, 2009

Grief is a strange uneven thing. Two of the largest losses in my life were my mom and my dog Zomba. I’ve written enough about Zomba recently. There are also some friends who I just am pained to know I will never talk with again, who are not around any more. I thought of my mom’s friend Jane Street, who died a few years ago, because I had a chance to go to Chicago and hang out with a new friend. It didn’t work out to go, but the thought of going to Chicago without staying with Jane and without seeing her brought up a lot of sadness, and missing her. Since I only saw her every few years I can sort of pretend she is still there, in her apartment, playing piano, singing, and engaging me in intense conversation about my family, her son and family, my work, my thoughts, and more.

She did have a mothering energy I liked a lot, and her thoughtful hospitality was sweet and something I always enjoyed. She showed more interest and enthusiasm and support from me than I was able to receive from my own mom.

Which is sort of what I intended to delve into with this post, thinking of Jane so much lately makes it a stronger feeling.

It’s too late to be mothered. I’m 50 years old, if mom was alive we would have a natural and gradual role reversal as she aged and became less strong and able. It is supposed to work that way. But I was a “mature” kid and was let be older than my age from a very early time – maybe nine or ten. Responsible, thoughtful, aware of the consequences of my actions. Premature frontal lobe development. There are a few of us in most batches of kids. The one who says “wait, if we do this then….” and all the other kids say “shut up!”

Who wants a mini-parent talking out the possible ramifications of whatever fun thing you’ve suddenly decided to do. Yep that was me.

And I had pretty good judgement, could figure out what might happen and how people would feel with most situations. I had a pretty constrained kid life as a result. I didn’t do a lot of stupid things, although there were a few times…

But my mom especially started not only cutting me loose to be on my own, without her support and involvement, she also started coming to me for advice and help when I was 13 and 14. Sharing personal concerns and involving me in parenting my siblings, asking for help and ideas and advice.

Later on we even formalized this switched role when she got her first professional job since having kids – at Ozone House. Where I was on staff as the Program Coordinator, which although we were in a collective, put me in a de facto role as her boss.

She had some time where she was there once I had left, but it was a little weird, and certainly helped cement the role reversal.

When it was clear that she was dying, she and I did some therapy together about this issue. I wanted her to care more. About me, my life, what I did, what I thought. I wanted her to take care of me, I wasn’t sure how, since I was also a bit prickly about anyone helping me or taking away from my independence. Counseling helped me understand how much I was pushing people away, including her. But it didn’t bring her any closer.

Even the simple hugs, physical closeness, saying I love you, she got stiff and pulled in when any of that came up. So I did too, when I was around her. It never got resolved before she died.

Those issues seem especially large today, this week. I got a bit over extended teaching and caring for people and trying to meet new men, and having some very down clients and friends. That part of me that still asks – and who will take care of me? – looms larger than normal just now. I suppose I would add turning 50 to the mix, as well as having still fairly recently ended a relationship with a man who really did take care of me is some wonderful ways. I felt partnered, and his competent strong presence and caring was something I was still discovering and enjoying even as the relationship ended.

I’ve moved forward a fair piece on this interdependence and dependence issue. I have much more capacity to let people in, as well as much more comfort in asking for what I want. And a lot of emotional triggers and sadness, and grieving about missing so much just plain mothering.

I feel very informed about the roots and causes and family patterns and all, so I have very little (if any) blame or even anger. It was her loss as well as mine, and she felt it. And her relationship with her mom was even more difficult and strained. Much more.

I’m putting a lot of time and energy into dating. Some of these unmet needs can be met with a partner, and a lover. Not all of them. But certainly during a month like last month, someone who can pick up some slack and make food, keep the kitchen clean, help walk the dog, and push me out the door to go for a walk or drop a canoe onto the river would be a very good thing. Not to mention a hug that lasts for an hour or two or more.

In polarity therapy we call it the return current. It carries information, re-formation, and supports the ability to express again. My return current has been pretty messed up for the last few weeks, and with my mom it was just off from the beginning. We never really got it right. I like the friends who it is renewing to just be with, connect with. I imagine that those who have died are also in my camp, cheering me on with energy from some other realm. And I will be grateful to find that partner who helps me to feel renewed and revitalized and supported so I can continue to be there for other people, and more.

Maybe if my mom had had more time we would have worked it out. Maybe if she hadn’t been slowly dying when she was my age now, we could have found that balance. I’ll never know. From age 46 on, she was walking a vastly different path than what I’m grateful to have. Yeah, she never really understood who I was and what mattered to me. But I’m also not were she was at this point in her life and can’t imagine what it would have been like to have spent the last four years losing capacity and finding life shrinking from you. And to be dead 10 years later.

It is indeed one of the teary years. And yet, I just can’t help thinking and feeling that there is something wonderful just around the corner. I can hold grief and optimism in the same hand.

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Minor Surgery At Home

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

After obtaining the reluctant but informative go ahead from my eye Dr. I asked a friend to stop over to poke me in the eye with a sharp needle. It was necessary. I suppose technically speaking it was in the area of the eye – but that doesn’t sound as dramatic and fun.

My willing friend lanced an odd bubble that has been growing from my eyelid for a few months. The Dr. said it was a blockage with an eyelash or such, peculiar but seemed benign. If I had caught it earlier he suggested a hot egg might have resolved it. Really. He suggests a hard boiled egg, reheated in a microwave if need be, applied to the closed eye as a heat therapy. It is soft, can contour to the eye a bit, and holds heat well.
I don’t have a microwave, but it makes sense to me.

So how weird has this post been for you so far?

It was pretty hard to hold that part of the eye (the eyelid) still enough to pierce it. And I did have to take out my contact. It hurt, but no blood, and it immediately drained, no sign of infection. There is still a slight enlargement from stretched skin, needing to shrink with time I suppose.

I’m in favor of reasonable minor minor home surgery, thoughtfully done, sterile conditions included (fire applied to the end of the needle – sterile gauze then applied) with reasonable precautions and limits. I suppose hiring an MD to do it would cost over $100 minimum. It helps to have brave and curious friends. It is another way to keep costs down, and awareness up.

Staying still during the couple of pokes that it took required a few pain management skills. Flinching is a pretty strong instinct when someone is poking you in or near your eye with a needle. You learn something new every day! But I guess most of you would have guessed that, and may indeed be flinching as you even read about it. Sorry about that. But that was one of my adventures of the week!

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