One of the obvious cautions in internet dating is being safe. Truthfully, wondering about the potential lunatic, the person who might hurt you or your stuff, who might be a nut requiring a restraining order further down the line. Yes, they are out there, no question about it. And there are basic precautions to take.
Google is a friend to on line daters, being bold enough to ask for full names, addresses, phone and more before a first date. Any guy dating a woman who is offended by that isn’t putting himself in her position. Sure there are women who will go nuts on you, but the greater risk in this culture is still male on female violence or problems.
I consider myself, at 50, still pretty new to dating. I’ve never done this dating someone new nearly every weekend thing before. Previous relationships were pretty much see a guy who I was interested in or who was interested in me, go out a few times, and we were in relationship for the next few months or years.
Worked for me, sort of.
So I’ve been doing all the safety things and had my antennae up for lunatics and crazy guys and guys who I didn’t think I’d match, and a huge range of concerns and checklists. And yes, I have found many. Only a few actually slipped through the cracks, and nothing serious or dangerous. Just a bit bewildering and disappointing.
But truthfully, I am now encountering that whole area of guys who are actually attracted to me. I guess I was carrying a lot of weight, and attitude, and was able to avoid that for, oh, a couple of decades. Now, I get a lot of compliments, a lot of suggestive e-mail, and a lot of invitations.
Some of it it — if you give him even a little encouragement it gets creepy and gross really fast. So it has been hard to know what to do. For about 40 years I’ve been dealing with that crap. A construction worker nods to you, you nod back in a friendly way, next thing you know he is rating your tits. Loudly. With gestures and suggestions. I’ve encountered that sh– since I was a ten year old girl. Yeah, 10. That’s what happens when you develop early, and fully.
It is a similar world on line. What are some men thinking? Is that really working for you, really?
So I have been entirely focused on am I safe. Is this guy stable and sane. Am I going to a safe place, am I taking the right precautions. It is a given, it has to be done. I do google checks, I leave info with friends or family about who I’m going out with, when and other details. I often have my dog with me, who I know would defend me to the death — and short of that she gives really perceptive cues about what is going on and any danger she perceives. And her record so far? Perfection. I have never felt more safe than I have since having large, intelligent, protective dogs around.
But here is what I figured out this last week. I have been missing a whole other part. Being safe and feeling safe are two different things. And feeling safe with a man is a really important part of what I have to look for in a relationship. And I haven’t been.
And by ignoring that basic need, I’ve gotten into some confusing and awkward situations that I shouldn’t have. I was safe, no one was going to be killed or hurt, there was no danger. But exposing too much of myself emotionally and physically and having too much intimacy before I feel safe is not OK. It isn’t honoring me. And it is stirring up some very old and very important feelings.
And those feelings go back to my first real relationship, my first boyfriend. I had dated him for many months, and one night he lost it and sexually assaulted me. And the ramifications of that linger on. Even when I don’t want them to, even when I say I’m over it, even with 35 years gone since that night in May of 1974. In an apartment building on Packard, next to the old Co-op. Where I had trouble shopping the whole time it was there.
Yeah - many tangles, many lingering threads and reactions.
I am a survivor of sexual assault, like so many women. Mine was easier than most. He even came back and apologized 4 years later, and took full responsibility for what happened, although at the time he told me it was all my fault and I believed him.
So that simple yet permanent trauma shows up again in a new form now. Feeling safe.
And it is a puzzling thing. With some men it is immediate. Yes. My inner sense and my outer logic agree and are at peace. And I’m a more animated, happy, friendly, less needy and less talkative person. (Less talkative is good, just ask anyone….) I can enjoy the other person, be myself, tease, laugh, it is very sweet for me.
And others there is that immediate no, or not knowing. And I was trying to get to know this one guy by phone, but his voice sounds very much like that first boyfriend. And I feel less safe. I once went on a blind date with a guy who smelled like him. It has only happened once, out of all the people I hug and am near. his sense of humor was a little similar as well. I couldn’t stand to be around him. He really didn’t understand or appreciate my reasons for saying no to another date. I can’t say blame him - “you smell like someone who assaulted me”. Not what a guy can easily hear and understand.
It is at heart a very deep intuitive thing. A whole other story that goes on next to the other one - am I safe - is the story of do I feel safe. And until I do you can’t take me into your arms, kiss me deeply, or even hold hands without some bit of tension and concern.
I really want to feel safe. And when I do, it is a wonderful feeling. With a friend, certainly, and with a lover even more so. And nothing less that that full feeling is acceptable in an intimate relationship.
It may take time, it may take adventures, it may take something totally unexpected. Yeah, over 1,000 words later and I’m explaining something that couldn’t be simpler. But that is sort of the whole point in writing this. It is simple, when that sense of safety hasn’t been so devastatingly destroyed by someone you loved and trusted.
And when it comes in the form of sexual assault, which is harder to talk about, harder to work out, harder to be frank about, when the details are too embarrassing to easily share, it has that deeper longer impact. Sexual assault is a different sort of violation that has tentacles reaching into some unexpected places. How can soldiers come back from war and explain to civilians what it is like, when it so far away and incomprehensible to someone who has never experienced anything close it it? How can a survivor of sexual assault easily overcome someone forcing themselves into your body, showing violence in the most intimate of acts and places in your being? If you havne’t been there, it may seem like not such a big deal. Trust me, it is.
We all have stories that are hard to tell.
But I am a story teller. And telling mine helps the healing, helps me to feel normal. It helps the healing that I welcome. And, I’ve told a lot of stories that have helped other people learn more about themselves as well. Maybe this will be one.
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Since I’ve renewed contact with a number of people who knew me then, who are now reading my blog, this may be a new bit of info for them. And you are wondering was it…?
I’m not naming names in a public place, but rest assured his initials were NOT P.L. And if you want more detailed info, contact me privately, and I don’t think you will be at all surprised by the rest of the story. If you were paying attention, you probably have already put it together. And that’s Ok.